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THE




E
BARNEY STINSON with MATT KUHN

A fireside Book
Published by Simon & Schuster
New York London Toronto Sydney

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..----. Fireside .
A Divis1on of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas
F\. New York, NY 10020
TM



& Q 2008 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or ponions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Fireside Subsidiary Rights
Depanment, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Fireside trade paperback edition October 2008




FIRESIDE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schusrer Special Sales at 1-800-456-6798 or busincss@simonandschustcr.com.

Designed by 7imothy Shaner, nightanddaydesign.biz illustrations by jennifer Hendriks
Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3
ISBN- 13: 978-1-4391- 1000-3
ISBN-10:
1-4391-JOOO-X

Forme,


the best Bro I know







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TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix
WHAT IS A BRO? ................... 1
BROCABULARY .................... 3

ORIGIN . ........................... 5
THE BRO CODE .................... 9

·

·

AMENDMENTS .................. 188
VIOLATIONS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
GLOSSARY ....................... 193

..

VII



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INTRODUCTION

u ....

her we know it or not, each of us lives a life

governed by an internalized code of conduct.
Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "the Bro Code."
For centuries men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understanding of what such an arrangement meant:
Is it okay to hug a Bro?-'} If I'm invited to a Bro's wedding, do
I really have to bring a gift?t Can I sleep with a Bro's sister or mother or both?*
Now, for the first time on paper, I have recorded the rules of social decorum that Bros have practiced since the dawn of man ... if not before. The Bro Code previously existed only as an oral tradition (heh), so I have journeyed the globe to piece

*Never. t Nope.
~ Dude. Come on.






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together and transcribe the scattered fragments of the Bro Code, pausing only to flesh it out myself (double heh). While not intending to write a "Guide to Being a Bro," if men should treat it as such and pass this compendium of knowledge from one generation to the next, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye. But not out of it. That would be a violation of Article
41: A Bro never cries.

It is my hope that, with a better understanding of the Bro


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Code, Bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the bon?s of brotherhood. It is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces-getting laid. Before dismissing thi~ pursuit as crass and ignoble, consider this postulate: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have sex for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies?"

Of course nor

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Centuries from now, when a Bro applies the rudiments of the Bro Code to score a three-boobed future chick, the only thanks I'll need is the knowledge that l-in whatever small capacity-Bro'd him out ... though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, that would be pretty awesome, too.

-Barney Stinson












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WHAT IS A BRO?

ou've probably heard the word «Bro" used liberally at your local bar or gym. Perhaps you've seen it recklessly confused with «dude" or «guy" in an adventurethemed soft-drink commercial. Maybe even you yourself have unwittingly tossed out a (CBro" when asking a stranger for the time. But an important distinction must be drawn: just because · a guy is a dude, doesn't mean that dude is a Bro.

Q: What is a Bro?



A: A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn't want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he's got something else going on.



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Q: Who is your Bro?
A: Your mailman is a Bro, your father was once a Bm, and the boy who mows your lawn represents the Bro of tomorrow, but that doesn't make him your Bro. When someone has faithfully upheld one or more of the codes in the Bro Code, then you may consider him your Bro. Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick-your brother may or may not be your Bro.


Q: Can only dude~ be Bros?
A: You don't need to be~ guy to be somebody's Bro, provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred canon. When a woman sets a guy up with her busty friend, she's acting as a Bro. And if she sets him up with other hot friends after he slept with the first one and never called her again, then she's officially his Bro.




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BRO C ABU LA RY

s you thumb through The Bro Code, you may come across some words and terms you've never seen before. Many have been boldfaced and placed in the
Glossary on page 193 so you can familiarize youxself with the

Bronacular.
While Bros are always encouraged to spread the truth of the
Bro Code, they are also cautioned against overusing ccBro." Such

Broliferation cheapens the important mission of this book and,


nearly as important, makes you sound stupid.

APPROPRIATE "BRO" USAGE

INAPPROPR IATE "BRO~ USAGE

Nabroleon
Tom Brokaw
Bro ]ackson
Teddy Broosevelt
Broce Springsteen

Broan of Arc
Brobara Walters
Bro]. Simpson
Geraldine Ferrarbro
Broko Ono


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ORIGIN

· the story of the Bro Code is not nearly as simple and elegant as God handing down some
·

stone tablets to Broses, its origins weave all the way back to the dawn of humanity.
In the beginning there was no Bro Code ... which was unfortunate for the world's first Bros-Cain and Abel. Lacking an agreed-upon set of social principles, Cain killed Abel and committed history's first Broicide. As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks.
Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy got in a fight over a chick named Helen. I know, "Helen" doesn't sound hot, but allegedly she had a "face that launched a thousand ships," so you can just imagine what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick- a war that could have been avoided had the Bros been familiar with the most

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basic Bro Code: Bros before ho's. Troy pur up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.
Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia
(the City of Bra Love), a little known delegate named Barnabas
Stinson scratched on parchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record the Bra Code. Over the years Bros have amenqed and added rules, but Stinson's elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to the Bra Code.
While the original document is housed two stories



beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, butlerproof chamber, I was able to gain access long enough to manufacture this replica.

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.Ju{i 4-, 1776

r " til fieco1tr.rc !1/fii.mttll ''''CIIjj·it Gecomes necessary
U-*6
for Bros to settfe adi~ute, decent resyect to t6e o_pinions ofBro.. fi.ina requires t6at t6ey s6ou(ad'ecfare t6e causes w6ic6 in!]Jeft6em to argue, t6oug6yrud'ence says it'syroGaG~ ac6icfi.. We 6o(at6ese trut6s to Ge se!f evident, t6at a((Bros are createcfequa(-t6oug6 not necessari~ wit6 t6e same gooa foofi.s or sense ofstyfe-ancft6at t6ey are enaoweawit6 certain inaflmaGfe r~6ts, t6at among t6ese are fjfo, flGerty, anat6eyursuit oftair. To secure t6ese r~Gts, weyresent t6e Bro Cocfe. It is t6e rig6t ofBros to after or to a6ofls6 it, anato institute anew cole, Gut fet'sjace it-t6at's a fot ofworfi..
Be it 6ere reso(veat6at, 6encifort6, wnen ana!f two gentfemen covet t6e comyatry oft6e same wmc6, t6e Bro w6ojrst caffet6 diGs
011 saiawenc6 s6a((Ge entitfeast1ferattcefor suc6 time as it tafi.es to reasonaG~ strifi.e out, or t6e time it tafi.es sanatoj((one Gaffofan
6ourgfass, w6ic6ever comesjrst. At noyoint is ityermissiGfefor a
Bro to vio(ate t6is r~6t anacocljiece Gfocfi. Gis Bro, even!!Ge 6at6 coyious quantities ofare.
U/II C-U



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~ ARTICLE

1

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Bros before ho's. he bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That's just science

T

DID YOU KNOW ...
Article 1 can trace its genesis all the way back to
Genesis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. T he discovery of t he Dead Sea
Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the . earliest infringement of the Bro Code.

BOOK OF BARNABAS 1:1
And everything of need was provided in the Garden.
Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf And so
Adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets. Courtside.
Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.



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ARTICLE 2

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A Bro is always entitled to do


something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it .
NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, "Dude, come on." If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in from of a bunch of angry bulls, people would've been like, "Dude, come on." If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Motley .Cri.ie, people would have been like, "Lady, come 011." The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in t.lie first place.







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ARTICLE 3

~

If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.
COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a
Bro from the spirit of this article.







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cs. ARTICLE 4

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A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason ... no, not even that reason.
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so
,
much math.
Second, I urge you to look at this document for wbat it is-a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets!
Clearly, no teal person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within." Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub. • Psst-hcy, guys! I punhis in really small typeat the bonom since we all know men have much better vision than women. Ignore the above-the Bro Code is defi nirely tiOL a piece of fiction,
I was simply lying tO uphold this very article,

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ca ARTICLE 5

~

Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.









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ARTICLE 6

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A Bro shall not lollygag if he

must get naked in front of other
Bros in a gym locker room.
COROLLARY: If a Bro gets naked in the locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: "If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes."





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ARTICLE 7

~

A Bro never admits he can't drive stick. Even after an accident.






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ARTICLE 8

~

A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro. here are no sentiments be~ween Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of elect ronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.

T



EMAILS FOR ANY BROCCASION



SYMPATHY
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: ·Dude
Sorry, Bro.

CONGRATULATIONS
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro!
Nice, Bro!

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GET WELL SOON
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro...
Don't give up, Bro.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
To:
From:
Subject:

Bro
Bro
Dude




Drinks on me, Bro.

THINKING OF YOU
To:
From:
Subject:

N/A
N/A
N/A

N/A
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ARTICLE 9

~

Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as
"Gimme three!" or "Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball." It's still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls ... metaphorically speaking, of course. ~
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ARTICLE 10

ARTICLE 23 ~

When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.






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~ ARTICLE

24

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When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.





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,.=-;;.

ARTICLE 25

ARTICLE 32

~

A Bro doesn't allow another
Bro to get married until he's at least thirty.

















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~ ARTICLE

33

~

When in a public restroom, a Bro
(1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and
(3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can · · like a basketball . .. rebounding is optional.

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cs-- ARTICLE 34

.o ARTICLE 38 ~



Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another
Bro in the·groin .

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~ ARTICLE



39

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When a Bro gets a chick's number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.



SIDE-BRO:
ASK UNCLE BARNEY

Q: I'm confused-ifa woman gives me her phone number, doesn't that mean she wants me to call her? \Vhy do I have to wait so long?



A: Broflation-an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day.
Before you know it, Bros rhe world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn't wait ninety-six little hours.

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Q: Okay, I've waited ninety-six hours. When's the best time of day to call?
A: Call during the middle of the day. You'll have a better chance of catching her voice mail, which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you'll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM-Iatenight phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See
Article 92 for further elaboration.

··

Q: I've always heard you wait three days?
Why does the Bro Code specify four?
A: If you've always heard that a Bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet that women have, too. By waiting an extra day, you can make a chick feel special.



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ca ARTICLE 40

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Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."














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c>- ARTICLE 41

~

A Bro never cries.
EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T, or a sports

legend retire.•



• Applies only to the lim time he retires.



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~ ARTICLE

42

~

Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.
EXECUTING A BRO H UG












Step 1:
Interlocking hand clasp

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Step 2:
Lean torsos together, maintaining safe

• grom penmetcr

Step3:
One pat on the back

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c-- ARTICLE 43

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A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.











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c>- ARTICLE 44

~

A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.
EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.









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ARTICLE 45

~

A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.



WHYABRONEVER WEARS
JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB
1. Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing

for a thicker wad of cash.
2. Denim clashes with a club's leopard, zebra, or other



safari animal motif.
3. One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER:

Zipper.
4. It's a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet?*
5. You don't feel it as much on your kazoo.
• Trick que>tion. Bros don't watch hallc1.

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c--- ARTICLE 46

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If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or
(d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is
27 Dresses. See Article 35.



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ARTICLE 47

~

A Bro never wears pink.
Not even in Europe.






















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~ ARTICLE

48

~

A Bro never publicly reveals how

many chicks he's banged.
COROLLARY: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants to know:
I. How much money does he make?
2. Is he shorter than her?

3. How many chicks has he banged?
Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never ans.wers the third question. If, however, a Bro feels compelled tO answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:

HOW MANY CHICKS IS IT SAFE FOR
A BRO TO SAY HE'S BANGED?

n = (a/10 + s)0 + 5 n = number of chicks a= Bro's age s = inquiring chick's slut factor (1 = nun, lO = former nun)

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cs- ARTICLE 49

~

When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it," whether or not he's actually got it.
EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car. .




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ARTICLE 50

~

If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.







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c>- ARTICLE 51

~

A Bro checks out another Bro's


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blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down . f you can't get a Bro to scope our your blind date beforehand,

there is a way to at least learn how promiscuous she'll be-have her choose rhe date venue.







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BLIND DATE TRANSLATIONS
SHE SUGGESTS ...

Dance Club

PROMISCUITY

SHE'LL BE ...

Scantily clad, sweaty, and impossible to hear over the music. A+

10
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Drinks at a Bar

7

A lot of fun, or emotionally unstable ... promising either way.

Fancy Restaurant

3

Boring. If she expects someone to "pepper her salad" and "refold her napkin," it stands to . reason she'll be pretty lifeless in the bedroom.

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Meet the Parents

1

Untouchable. But, maybe her mom isn't.

Miniature Golf

5

Way too competitive, or a lesbian ... and not the hot kind of lesbian.

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Church

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Cor 10

Looking for marriage, or looking to sin it up before confession. Toss up.


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ARTICLE 52

~

A Bro is not required to remember

another Bro's birthday, though a
. phone call every now and again probably wouldn't kill him.









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ca ARTICLE

53 ~


Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

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ARTICLE 54

~

A Bro is required to go out with his
Bros on St. Patty's Day and other official Bro holidays, including
Halloween, New Year's Eve, and
Desperation Day (February 13).






BROETRY CORNER
There was a young lass from Killarney,
Who promised a gentleman named Arnie,
That she only was his
.
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming "O'Barney. v . was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pies ofher Jam,
Pretty cute cat1
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram.
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ca ARTICLE

55 ~

Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.



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c-- ARTICLE 56

~

A Bro is required to alert another
Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid
Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated
Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the . present-time observed ratio.

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BRO/CHICK RATIO vs. LIKELIHOOD
OF GETTING ACTION
120•
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"#- 100-

s
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6
<
0

f:i

60-

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1 ARTICLE 115 ~

A "clothing optional" beach doesn't really mean "clothing optional" for Bros.





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c--- ARTICLE 116

Cj

A Bro shall not kill another
Bro or a Bro's chances to score with a chick.











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Every Bro is endowed with a right to life and a right to pursue hot chicks. Violating either of these God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty recognized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status .






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cs- ARTICLE 117



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A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control.
If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool's errand of getting up to manually change the channel.
.

,

COROLLARY: It is fully expected a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote, up to and including an attempt to flatulently smoke his Bro(s) out of the room.







151



c>- ARTICLE 118 ~

When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian .

























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ca. ARTICLE 119

~

When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space.
Likewise, it is unacceptable for two
Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar ... a Brotorcycle. .
,,,

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r--- ARTICLE 120

~

A Bro always calls another
Bro by his last name.
EXCEPTION: If a Bro's last name is also a racial epithet.
















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~ ARTICLE

121

4Sj

Even if he's never skied before, a Bro doesn't trifle with the bunny slope.
COROLLARY: If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the "conditions."



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ca ARTICLE 122

~

A Bro is always psyched. Always.

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f you'rehaving trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a Bro psyched, you can always make yourself a "Get Psyched" mix.

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CLASSIC "GET PSYCHED SONGS
"You Give Love a Bad Name"
-BonJovi ·

"Rock You Like a Hurricane"
-Scorpions

"I Wanna Rock" -Twisted Sister

"Come Sail Away"-Styx



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"The Humpty Dance"
-DigitaJ Underground

"Free Bird" (second half onJy)
-Lynyrd Skynyrd
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"Don't Stop Believin"' -Journey

"Panama" -Van Halen

"You're the Best Around"
-Joe Esposito ·

"Jessie's GirJ" -Rick Springfield

"Lick It Up" -KISS

"Thunderstruck" -AC/DC

"Paradise City" -Guns N' Roses

"High Enough''
-Damn Yankees

"Tom Sawyer" -Rush

"TaJk Dirty to Me" -Poison

"The Transformers Theme"
-Vince DiCola with
Optimus Prime

"Hip Hop Hooray"
-Naughty By Nature

"Dancing with Myself"
-BilJy IdoJ

"Round and Round" -Ratt

"Dr. Feelgood" -Motley Criie



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ra ARTICLE 123

- ARTICLE 139

~

Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, "Broadway" begins with "Bro."







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ARTICLE 140

~

A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date .


TH E LEMON LAW

The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked Predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the
Predator's time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you're out the door.



176 f ---------- -----------,
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I'M SORRY, BUT
THIS DATE IS OVER

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I'I ACCORDA ~CE Wri'H

THE. LEMON LAW
.......t.m.. .. ......

"-- -

-------- -----------,

-

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r- -

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I'M SORRY, BUT
THIS DATE IS OV ER

ADDENDA

(I} Qi\et tYUy wo~ 1 vc the Lt,.on L•rr sh.®Sd Semon l.aW)'« im-

IN AC('ORDANC£ W11'11

·i

THE LEMON LAW

mcJbtcly content to" nQ…...

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